Skepfeeds-The Best Skeptical blogs of the day

God on The Bible – Genesis 38:6-10

Posted in Sins, Stuff God Hates, The Bible by Skepdude on August 15, 2008

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES”

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Witness now the glorious truth of MY DIVINE WORD:

6 For his first son Er, Judah got a wife whose name was Tamar.

7 Er’s conduct was evil, and it displeased the LORD, so the LORD killed him.

8 Then Judah said to Er’s brother Onan, “Go and sleep with your brother’s widow. Fulfill your obligation to her as her husband’s brother, so that your brother may have descendants.”

9 But Onan knew that the children would not belong to him, so when he had intercourse with his brother’s widow, he let the semen spill on the ground, so that there would be no children for his brother.

10 What he did displeased the LORD, and the LORD killed him also.*

This passage makes very clear My passionate feelings on the subject of spilling sperm. I’ve said it many times before, and I’ll say it again; EVERY SPERM IS SACRED! If a man wastes his precious semen by spilling it just anywhere, I will certainly punish him.

Now there are varying degrees of punishment for this sin. For example, as this verse demonstrates, if you disgrace your dead brother by refusing to ejaculate inside his recently widowed wife, and you instead selfishly spill your seed on the ground, I will be very angry and smite you with a painful death.

Or let’s say you do something truly satanic and spill your seed into a disgusting, dirty public toilet, I will be furious and smite you with a slow and extremely painful death.

But the punishment is not always this severe. If, on the other hand, you just spill your seed into a bunch of wadded up tissues because you were bored, then the punishment is only a swift and mildly painful death. Like a sudden heart attack while you’re jerking it. –>

However, it is acceptable to pull out at the last second and spill your seed onto a woman, as long as you make sure to do it on her chest or face in a way that totally degrades her.

I WARN YOU MORTALS! OBEY MY SEMEN LAWS OR I WILL KILL YOU!

* Interesting followup to that story…after I killed Onan, his father Judah later accidentally slept with Er’s widow Tamar. But this was okay because he thought she was a prostitute and also came inside her.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES”

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