Homeopathy webcomic
Funny!
Intelligent Pull theory
In a new and unexpected development, the tree lobsters have proved, unequivocally, the connection between Newton and Hitler. The Intelligent Pull proponents have renewed their efforts to have IP taught alongside Newtonian Physics in introductory physics courses. New legislation will require stickers to be placed inside physics books stating that gravity is “just a theory” and that pigs could actually fly, if only Intelligent Pull wasn’t squashed so mercilessly by the mainstream, elite, evil Academia. Said one IP proponents:
These latest developments feel like a breath of fresh air. We’ve been saying all along that gravity is not supported by the evidence, which best supports the Intelligent Pull theory. Furthermore, the Newtonianists have not addressed the glaring holes in their theory. Why would mass attract mass? Are we to believe that randomly, and by chance, bodies happen to be attracted to other bodies?
At least Evolution, has Mutation and Natural Selection, which kinda make sense, but inorganic things don’t mutate. Stars and planets are not engaged in a battle of the survival of the fittest. They just are. They say the attraction is the inverse of the square of the distance but that doesn’t prove gravity. That proves that The Intelligent Puller that set things in motion decided it will be so when he first created the universe, 10,000 years ago. I am happy that the tree lobsters have finally seen the light and have come over to our side. They are a powerful ally in the fight for truth and academic freedom.
Homeopathy Totally Shown To Work
READ THE FULL ENTRY AT THE SPOOF
A top scientist at a real university has done some really clever research, with numbers and everything, that totally proves homeopathy works and is not in fact a made up load of pseudo-scientific mumbo-jumbo.
A spokesman from the Society of Homeopaths said “This scientist is really clever and an expert in his field, despite nobody else having ever heard of him. His research, which most definitely wasn’t funded by the Society of Homeopaths, totally proves everything we’ve ever said. It was money well spent.”
Oh, No! It’s Making Well-Reasoned Arguments Backed With Facts! Run!
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I…I think it’s finally over. Our reactionary emotional response seems to have stopped it dead in its tracks. If I’m right, all we have to do now is smugly reiterate our half-formed thesis and—oh, no! For the love of God, no! It’s thoughtfully mulling things over!
Run! Run! It’s making reasonable, fact-based arguments!
Quickly! Hide behind self-righteousness! The ad hominem rejoinders—ready the ad hominem rejoinders! Watch out! Dodge the issue at hand! Question its character and keep moving haphazardly from one flawed point to the next!
All together now! Put every bit of secondhand conjecture into it you’ve got!
Goddamn it, nothing’s working! It’s trapped us in our own unsubstantiated claims! We need to switch fundamentally unsound tactics. Hurry, throw up the straw man! Look, I think it’s going for it. C’mon…c’mon…yes, it’s going for it! Now hit it with the thing that one guy told us once while it’s distracted by our ludicrous rationalizations!
Gah! It’s calmly and evenhandedly deflecting everything we’re throwing at it. Our deductive fallacies are only making it stronger! Wait…what on earth is it doing now? Oh, no, it has sources! My God, it’s defending itself with ironclad sources! Someone stop the citing! Please, please stop the citing!
The language is impenetrable! For all that is good and holy, backpedal with all your might!
Where are the children? Someone overprotect the children! They cannot be exposed to this kind of illuminative reasoning. Their young, open minds are much too vulnerable to independent thought. We have to shield them behind our unshakeable intolerance for critical thinking.
What?!? Noooooooooo! Richard! For the love of God, it’s convinced Richard!
No time for tears now. Richard’s mind has been changed forever. But we mustn’t let it weaken our resolve. Mark my words, our ignorance will hold, no matter the cost. Now, more than ever, we have to keep floundering ahead with blind faith in our increasingly fallacious worldview.
For Richard’s sake.
What’s that? Now it’s making an appeal to reason? Never! Do you hear me, you eloquent, well-read behemoth? Never! We’ll die before we recognize what we secretly know to be true! The cognitive dissonance only makes our denial stronger!
Seahorses are an abomination in the eyes of the LORD!
Those filthy little transvestites, seahorses, are at it again, spreading their seahorse propaganda by disguising it as an appeal to “family values.”
They would have you believe that this is the typical seahorse family:
It is the perfect picture of parental responsibility, the loving father doting over the fruit of his man-womb, so they say, but they are bringing these sea-foals into the world specifically to indoctrinate them into the aberrant seahorse lifestyle!Why does nobody think of the children when they decide that these transgendered deviants should be allowed equal protection under the law? How should fish parents respond to their fish children when they come home from schools and say, “Timmy has a daddy for a mommy!”?
The government has been taken over by those who are sympathetic to the seahorse agenda, and would turn Biblical, bible-believing Christians into hate crimers. The public schools openly teach about seahorse reproduction, indoctrinating our children into becoming seahorses. How many times has a parent come home to find their only pride and joy, their Christian male child, paddling around the swimming pool in a saddle and doing it for carrots because of what they have learned in school? This is why I home school my fish.
READ THE REST OF THIS ENTRY AT “HAPPY JIHAD’S HOUSE OF PANCAKES”
#15 Science
CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES”
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this entry I will focus on something that makes Me so mad, I just can’t even…say it…aargghh!! DAMN YOU SCIENCE! DAMN YOU TO HELL!
Whew…ok…I feel better now. I always feel a lot better after damning things I hate to hell. And I think this blog-therapy has really been paying off in My Temper lately. Like, a couple of hours ago I could’ve totally killed this dumb baby I hate, but I was like, whatevs! I’ll let it live. For now.
But back to the subject at hand – stupid damned pagan science!
I, the Lord your God, despise science and all things sciencey. Scientists, the scientific method, laboratories, lab rats, the periodic table, Bill Nye – they’re all going to hell when they die.
Facts, evidence, hypotheses – BAH! These things show a disturbing lack of faith in My Divine Wisdom.
I mean, the gall! The utter gall it takes for man to try to figure out the universe I created. I gotta say, it’s pretty galling!
Put yourself in My Position. Imagine you made your very own ant-farm. You designed it from top to bottom, filled it with ants, and set about the joy of watching them kill each other. And then what do your stupid ants do? Get all sciencey and stuck-up on you!
Ugh. I hate every last one of those smug, self-satisfied scientists. Think they’re so smart! You probably think they’re smart too. Smarter than Me even. Well you’re not gonna think they’re so smart after they accidentally blow up the planet this summer. Yup, you won’t be thinking much at all after that, because you’ll be dead.
Well anyway, there’s just not enough time for Me to discuss the many things I hate about science in this post. Just know that in general, I hate science.
It is dumb. Really, really, really, really dumb. And it’s never proven anything.
God in the News: Texas
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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I would like to talk about something I saw in the news that enrages Me:
Texas Man Says God Told Him to Ram Other Driver at 100 MPH
Did you read that? Isn’t it absolutely insane? They actually arrested this man!
They should be giving him a medal. The rest of you could learn something from this guy. Like when I tell you do something, you don’t ask questions, you just fucking do it.
Michael E. Schwab was on his way to have sex with his wife when I commanded him to use his pickup truck to smite a vile woman who wasn’t driving like a Christian. Not only did he do this for Me, he sped up to 100 MPH.
He is a wonderful servant of Me, and he will get his reward. I’m not saying I’m going to post his $50,000 bail, but believe Me, he’s getting into Heaven when he dies next year.
I see that he will have to undergo a psychiatric evaluation as well. Shameful!
Now why is it that whenever one of My servants tells everyone that I, The Almighty God, told them to do something, people always just assume they’re crazy? How come they never ever consider they just might be telling the truth?
And it’s not just baby-eating atheists that do this. It’s everyone, heathens and faithful Christians alike. So I guess I just never talk to anyone or tell anyone what to do anymore, huh? FOOLS!
I already hated pigs in general, but now I have a special vendetta against the Texas police. I will crush their bones! I will eat their souls and erase them from existence! And I will unleash a wave of Mexicans upon them the likes of which they have never seen!
As for the rest of you, be prepared. My next command could come down at any moment. Pray that you are as ready as this biblical hero was.
#53 Disney World
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Nov 17th, 2008 by God
Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I, The Almighty Lord, would like to talk about the evilest place on earth – Disney World.
Disney World was created by a greedy fascist, is run entirely by anal-loving queers, is populated by satanic singing robots, and is visited by hordes of depressed peasants.
I hate Disney World and I have always wondered, why is it necessary? Is the world that I have created not good enough for you ungrateful sods? It is as if you have tried to create your own pathetic little version of Heaven on Earth. And while getting to Disney World is almost as expensive as getting to Heaven, I assure you that Heaven never has any lines and is never sticky and hot. Heaven also has a way better selection of roller-coasters.
Fat people love Disney World.
No, Disney World bears a much closer resemblance to hell – always burning hot and always overcrowded with disgusting fatties.
In design and function it is so similar to hell, there is no doubt in My Mind that Satan partook in the creation of Disney World. It is meant to distract humans and make them happy without Me, and it uses a constant barrage of magical midgets and supernatural homosexuals to do so.
Just look at the different parks they have there. ‘The Magic Kingdom’; it has blasphemy right in the name! Magic is inherently Satanic! Only I, and My Son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, who are all One Person, are capable of performing any supernatural feats such as appearing as fire or walking on water or destroying the world.
Then there is Epcot, which celebrates the technological and scientific achievements of mankind. Sin! Sin! Pride-sin! I WILL SMASH YOUR STUPID SCIENCE BRAINS INTO MUSHY BITS!
At Epcot, they go so far as to have that smarmy bitch Ellen Degeneres and Bill Nye the science jerk teach children about dinosaurs and evolution. I tell you, they are practically begging Me to destroy the place with a volcano.
There is also ‘The Animal Kingdom.’ Again, the blasphemy is right in the name. This clearly violates what I declared in My Book; man shall rule over the animals. They shall not have their own kingdom. In this park, there are areas representing both Africa and Asia. Although I will say the rollercoaster in Asia was decent, the Disney people are clearly trying to piss Me off.
There were also some other parks, I’m sure they were all blasphemous and evil in their own right – but I didn’t have time to visit them all.
Anyway, if all that’s not enough, at Disney World, they actually tell humans that it’s a place where all their dreams and wishes will come true! LIES! Hear Me, and hear Me well mortals: your dreams will not come true there. Unless your dream is to pay twice as much for rice with shrimp poo and get blisters on your feet.
And that’s another thing! On My recent exploratory visit to the most blasphemous place on Earth, I was enraged to hear a recorded announcement tell the masses (after a paltry display of fireworks), that Disney “hopes all your dreams come true.”
Oh really? You just can’t encourage humans that way! What if their dream is to assassinate the president?! Or conquer and enslave all of Europe?! Disney supports those dreams.
I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.
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