Stuff God Hates – #81 Hopes and Dreams

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I hate hopes and I hate dreams! They violate My Divine Plan! How dare you humans lounge around and dream of ways to thwart My Divine Plan?

If I made you a gravedigger, then stay a gravedigger and be glad I don’t have you arrested. Don’t spend your days praying of becoming a porno star.*

Many people start bugging Me with this shit from a very young age. For example, I recently had a young boy who wanted to become a pilot when he grew up. But I’d already decided to give him awful 20/60 vision. But did that stop him? No. That dumbass spent his whole life bugging Me with his prayers to become a pilot. And yet he ended up becoming a pizza delivery boy with a acute addiction to Robitussin and Jack Daniels anyway, just as I’d always intended.

All these little hopes and dreams and all the wishing and the begging is just pathetic! I don’t much appreciate that which is pathetic.

Life is not fair, ok? It’s not fair, and I never said it would be fair.

Was life ever fair in The Bible? NO! Some men are born to be slaves of other men, some women are born to be raped by their fathers, and that’s just the way it is! Some things will never change. I am what I am and it is what it is!

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#15 Science

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

In this entry I will focus on something that makes Me so mad, I just can’t even…say it…aargghh!! DAMN YOU SCIENCE! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Whew…ok…I feel better now. I always feel a lot better after damning things I hate to hell. And I think this blog-therapy has really been paying off in My Temper lately. Like, a couple of hours ago I could’ve totally killed this dumb baby I hate, but I was like, whatevs! I’ll let it live. For now.

But back to the subject at hand – stupid damned pagan science!

I, the Lord your God, despise science and all things sciencey. Scientists, the scientific method, laboratories, lab rats, the periodic table, Bill Nye – they’re all going to hell when they die.

Facts, evidence, hypotheses – BAH! These things show a disturbing lack of faith in My Divine Wisdom.

I mean, the gall! The utter gall it takes for man to try to figure out the universe I created. I gotta say, it’s pretty galling!

Put yourself in My Position. Imagine you made your very own ant-farm. You designed it from top to bottom, filled it with ants, and set about the joy of watching them kill each other. And then what do your stupid ants do? Get all sciencey and stuck-up on you!

Ugh. I hate every last one of those smug, self-satisfied scientists. Think they’re so smart! You probably think they’re smart too. Smarter than Me even. Well you’re not gonna think they’re so smart after they accidentally blow up the planet this summer. Yup, you won’t be thinking much at all after that, because you’ll be dead.

Well anyway, there’s just not enough time for Me to discuss the many things I hate about science in this post. Just know that in general, I hate science.

It is dumb. Really, really, really, really dumb. And it’s never proven anything.

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Christmas Prayers

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

In the spirit of the Season of My Son’s Birth, which is apparently love, I grant the faithful readers of My Divine Blog the chance to send Me their Christmas prayers.

I don’t know why any of you ever waste your time asking your family and friends or Santa for gifts, when it is I, The Almighty God, who allows any gifts for anyone.

Naturally, you will be expected to follow the usual protocol I expect. All Christmas prayers must begin with ‘Dear’ and some variation of praise unto Me, His Beautiful Handsome Awesomeness, The Almighty Lord your God. You must then humbly send Me your prayer, and be sure to give proper respect throughout by capitalizing all mentions of My Wondrous Person. You must also wish Me a ‘Merry Christmas’ and verily, when your prayer is concluded, you must thank The Lord profusely and then say ‘Amen.’ If you please Me I may grant your Christmas prayer. If you disrespect Me, you or your child may open a present only to discover a dead puppy. Unless that’s what you wanted.

Note: There will be no Christmas Miracles this year. I’m too tired and none of you deserve it anyway.

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God in the News: Atheist Sign

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I AM FURIOUS TODAY!  I will engulf Washington in volcanic fire and cast the entire blasphemous state back into the seas from whence it came!

Evil Atheist Sign Joins Nativity Scene

UNBELIEVABLE! How dare baby-eating atheists be allowed to express themselves?! Government property is the sole dominion of Me-fearing folk!

Here we have a lovely Nativity scene on display, depicting the birth of My Glorious Son whom I love with all of My Heart. And right next to it is a sacrilegious sign that states something so ludicrous and foul it makes Me foam at My Holy Mouth with rage!

So you can understand and become as angry as I am, here is what the wicked sign says:

“At this season of THE WINTER SOLSTICE may reason prevail. There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell. There is only our natural world. Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.”

Let’s go through this insanity line by line so I can break down just how absurdly false it is.

“At this season of THE WINTER SOLSTICE may reason prevail.”

It’s not the season of the Winter Whatever. It’s CHRISTMAS. The very word has Christ in it. HE is the reason for the season, and HE has already prevailed by dying. Duh.

“There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell.”

It’s true there are no gods plural, there is only one God. ME! I know for a fact that there is a devil, and he’s a jerk. There is also most definitely angels and a heaven and hell and I’ll prove it to you when you die.

“There is only our natural world.”

What nonsensical twaddle! There are trillions of other worlds both natural and supernatural that I, The Almighty Lord, have created. This just goes to show what self-centered, egotistical freaks atheists truly are.

“Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.”

WRONG AGAIN! Only the religions that don’t worship Me are myth and superstition. Christianity, Judaism, and Islam are all clearly legitimate religions that never brainwash people or cause them to fight with each other.

If you love Christmas and everything it stands for, I command you now to hunt down every last atheist you can find and burn them at the stake. Also, decapitate the governor of Washington for letting this happen.

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

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God in the News: Texas

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I would like to talk about something I saw in the news that enrages Me:

Texas Man Says God Told Him to Ram Other Driver at 100 MPH

Did you read that? Isn’t it absolutely insane? They actually arrested this man!

They should be giving him a medal. The rest of you could learn something from this guy. Like when I tell you do something, you don’t ask questions, you just fucking do it.

Michael E. Schwab was on his way to have sex with his wife when I commanded him to use his pickup truck to smite a vile woman who wasn’t driving like a Christian. Not only did he do this for Me, he sped up to 100 MPH.

He is a wonderful servant of Me, and he will get his reward. I’m not saying I’m going to post his $50,000 bail, but believe Me, he’s getting into Heaven when he dies next year.

I see that he will have to undergo a psychiatric evaluation as well. Shameful!

Now why is it that whenever one of My servants tells everyone that I, The Almighty God, told them to do something, people always just assume they’re crazy? How come they never ever consider they just might be telling the truth?

And it’s not just baby-eating atheists that do this. It’s everyone, heathens and faithful Christians alike. So I guess I just never talk to anyone or tell anyone what to do anymore, huh? FOOLS!

I already hated pigs in general, but now I have a special vendetta against the Texas police. I will crush their bones! I will eat their souls and erase them from existence! And I will unleash a wave of Mexicans upon them the likes of which they have never seen!

As for the rest of you, be prepared. My next command could come down at any moment. Pray that you are as ready as this biblical hero was.

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#53 Disney World

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Nov 17th, 2008 by God

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I, The Almighty Lord, would like to talk about the evilest place on earth – Disney World.

Disney World was created by a greedy fascist, is run entirely by anal-loving queers, is populated by satanic singing robots, and is visited by hordes of depressed peasants.

I hate Disney World and I have always wondered, why is it necessary? Is the world that I have created not good enough for you ungrateful sods? It is as if you have tried to create your own pathetic little version of Heaven on Earth. And while getting to Disney World is almost as expensive as getting to Heaven, I assure you that Heaven never has any lines and is never sticky and hot. Heaven also has a way better selection of roller-coasters.

Fat people love Disney World.

No, Disney World bears a much closer resemblance to hell – always burning hot and always overcrowded with disgusting fatties.

In design and function it is so similar to hell, there is no doubt in My Mind that Satan partook in the creation of Disney World. It is meant to distract humans and make them happy without Me, and it uses a constant barrage of magical midgets and supernatural homosexuals to do so.

Just look at the different parks they have there. ‘The Magic Kingdom’; it has blasphemy right in the name! Magic is inherently Satanic! Only I, and My Son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, who are all One Person, are capable of performing any supernatural feats such as appearing as fire or walking on water or destroying the world.

Then there is Epcot, which celebrates the technological and scientific achievements of mankind. Sin! Sin! Pride-sin! I WILL SMASH YOUR STUPID SCIENCE BRAINS INTO MUSHY BITS!

At Epcot, they go so far as to have that smarmy bitch Ellen Degeneres and Bill Nye the science jerk teach children about dinosaurs and evolution. I tell you, they are practically begging Me to destroy the place with a volcano.

There is also ‘The Animal Kingdom.’ Again, the blasphemy is right in the name. This clearly violates what I declared in My Book; man shall rule over the animals. They shall not have their own kingdom. In this park, there are areas representing both Africa and Asia. Although I will say the rollercoaster in Asia was decent, the Disney people are clearly trying to piss Me off.

There were also some other parks, I’m sure they were all blasphemous and evil in their own right – but I didn’t have time to visit them all.

Anyway, if all that’s not enough, at Disney World, they actually tell humans that it’s a place where all their dreams and wishes will come true! LIES! Hear Me, and hear Me well mortals: your dreams will not come true there. Unless your dream is to pay twice as much for rice with shrimp poo and get blisters on your feet.

And that’s another thing! On My recent exploratory visit to the most blasphemous place on Earth, I was enraged to hear a recorded announcement tell the masses (after a paltry display of fireworks), that Disney “hopes all your dreams come true.”

Oh really? You just can’t encourage humans that way! What if their dream is to assassinate the president?! Or conquer and enslave all of Europe?! Disney supports those dreams.

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

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#50 Rock and Roll

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Rock and Roll music is evil and must be destroyed! It comes from the Devil and is perpetrated upon mankind by his minions. It corrupts the youth and I, The Almighty Lord, hate it with all of My Might.

Rock and roll music leads to drug and alcohol abuse, fornication, fights, riots, murder, masturbation, rape and suicide – all in that order. Its gyrometric rhythms create a longing for that which is forbidden, such as anal sex and dancing.

It causes disorganized behavior and dirtiness. It makes people not shower and want to roll around in the mud. It is enjoyed by filthy, abortion-loving, draft-dodging* hippies.

Rock and roll was invented by Satanus in 1948, shortly after his attempt to take over the world with his Kraut-Jap-Wop atheist army failed miserably. He gave up trying to defeat the Armies of Me and chose instead to focus all his attention on warping human minds through entertainment. He has been far more successful in this arena.

Since its inception, rock and roll has encouraged humans to engage in all manner of evil behavior. It awakens the gloomy slut inside every woman. It awakens the angry loner inside every man. Also, it sounds shitty.

It’s repetitive, and the lyrics suck gigantic monkey balls. It’s almost as if rock songs are written by complete imbeciles attempting to sound poetic for the sake of fame.

In My Divine Opinion, humans should listen only to hymnals glorifying Me, and marching anthems which make them good at organized war.

Compare the lyrics of that most magnificent of songs, The Battle Hymn of the Republic:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord:
He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored;
He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword:
His truth is marching on.

Now compare the glory of those verses with the abject idiocy of these rock and roll lyrics from Stairway to Heaven:

And it’s whispered that soon if we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter.

See what I mean? You see how putrid those lyrics are? Is it any wonder rock music causes children to kill themselves?

DAMN YOU ROCK MUSIC! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

* I had plans to create so many new splendid dead soldiers out of those damned-dirty-hippies.

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#49 Homosexual Cartoon Characters

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today, in the middle of the seventh month of My Divine Hatred Therapy, I shall vent My Righteous Rage at something that has been pestering Me for quite some time – flamingly homosexual cartoon characters!

Ever since the invention of the cartoon, Satanus has been hard at work . He has spent decades corrupting the minds of sweet, innocent Christian children with his blatantly sodomite cartoon characters. And I have had enough!

Again, as I have said before, I have no problem with homosexuals. I think it is fine and they should all get married, so long as they never ever French-kiss or engage in anal sex or any other sodomy of any kind. Is that too much to ask?

I could look the other way if these queer cartoons could just be discreet about it. After all, there are a number of fine examples of homosexual cartoon characters that are firmly in the closet, such as: Waylon Smithers, Tigra from Thundercats, Dr. Quest and Race Bannon, or every member of GIJOE and Cobra.

Why can’t they all be so decent? Most homosexual cartoon characters are only too happy to flaunt their gayness. More than that, they seem to revel in rubbing your nose in it*.

In fact, these queer cartoons just go ahead and anal and fist each other right in front of kids every Saturday morning on TV.

Why, just this weekend I skipped out on Temple and sat down to watch an episode of Spongebog Squarepants. I watched Spongebob bend Squidward over a seashell and slam his sponge-penis up octopus-anus for half an hour. Both 15-minute episodes!

Well I am a loving and merciful God, so I shall grant you all a boon. If you wish to avoid an eternity in hell, here are but a few of the homosexual cartoon characters to avoid at all costs: Spongebob “Squarepants, Winnie the Pooh, Big Gay Al, Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, He-Man, Huckleberry Hound, Snagglepuss, Mr. Garrison, Popeye the Sailor Man, Captain Planet, Peppermint Patty, Vanity Smurf, Snarf from Thundercats, Fred and Velma, Batman and Robin, Timon and Pumbaa, Ren and Stimpy, Sleepy and Dopey, and the Ambiguously Gay Duo.

This ban, of course, also includes live action puppets and people in costumes such as: Barney, the Muppet named ‘Scooter,’ the Teletubby known as ‘Tiddlywink,’ Bert and Ernie, and Big Bird and Snuffleupagus.

Amongst many others too numerous to name. I expect you to be vigilant and on the lookout for other gay cartoon characters, and to protect yourself and your children from any cartoon or other fictional characters you may suspect of engaging in homosexual acts.

From now on, I declare the only cartoons children may watch to be Veggie-tales and Davy and Goliath. And that’s it! Everything else is clearly quite gay.

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

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#48 Forgiveness

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Ya wanna know something I really hate? Something I’m really just sick and tired of doing? Forgiving people for their sins. It’s stupid, it’s a waste of time, and I’m not gonna do it anymore.

All day long every day, all I get is annoying ass humans begging Me to forgive them for their sins. And I’ve put up with it, and even encouraged it, for far too long. Well no more. If you’ve committed a sin, don’t come knocking on Heaven’s door, cause I’m done with that. From now on, if you do something bad you’re just going to have to live with the consequences.

Believe Me, if you were in My position, you would’ve ended this nonsense a long time ago. Your sins are super-boring, ok? I’ve heard them all a million times before. Here’s a few of the completely unoriginal forgive-requests I got in just the last couple of minutes:

“Beautiful Lord God, please forgive me for forgetting to bless that man who sneezed today. And for smoking meth and having gay sex with him. I try not to Lord! In Jesus name, Amen.”

“Hey God! Please forgive me for puking up my dinner again. And please forgive me for somehow gaining a pound yesterday. Hug and kisses!”

“God, forgive me getting drunk and killing (?) that kid with my car. Also for calling my mother a dirty whore, even if she is one.”

All these people are dumb in their own special way. And you know what? After listening to this tripe every second of every day for 4,000 years, it’s gotten to be just a little bit irritating.

Also, I generally don’t like it when some schmuck begs My forgiveness for a sin, such as say, oh I don’t know, molesting his daughter, and then goes to her room and ‘tucks her in’ again the very next night. Not cool!

You know, I wouldn’t even be in this mess if it wasn’t for that nitwit son of mine Jesus. He’s the one who had to shout out on the cross, “Father! Forgive them, for they know not what they do!” To which I said, shut your trap, Jesus! You forgive them. Let them believe you died for the world if you want, you narcissistic little bitch, but then you have to forgive them when they pray. But does he do it? No, Jesus almost never answers or forgives anyone; he’s too busy smoking weed and listening to his gangster rap albums.

My Jews earn their forgiveness.

Anyway, I guess I’m reminded of all this because it’s Yom Kippur today, which is the special day My Chosen Jews set aside to atone for their sins. It’s hard to imagine now, but I used to have things all worked out so that I would only be bothered with this forgiveness shit once a year. Did you hear what I just said? ONCE. A. YEAR.

My Jews know how to honor Me. First, they pay upwards of $250 to go to Temple (if they are good Jews), they read from My Book, they fast, they feel guilty for their sins all day, and shit! They even shed precious bulls blood for Me sometimes. And then, only then, do they dare ask for My forgiveness. They’re the best.

But these fucking Christians! They ask for forgiveness every five fucking minutes. The nerve of these fucking people!

To My Jewish followers: Thanks for the fasting and the blood sacrifice, but you are not forgiven this year because I am all forgived out. To My Christian followers: be more Jewish. To My Muslim followers: keep up the good work.

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

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#47 Rich People

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I am the Lord your God. If you be a rich man or woman, I hate your stupid guts and I will punish you for the wealth I have given you. I am the Lord your God.

In My first book I made it quite clear that I hate rich people and all that they represent. Their hearts are greedy – their minds are arrogant – their souls are filthy. Two thousand years ago I said that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into the Kingdom of Me.

These days it is even more impossible for a rich man to get into Heaven. Adjusted for inflation, now it is easier for a fat lesbian camel high on meth to make it through a complicated Japanese obstacle course than it is for a rich man to get into the Kingdom of Me.

I am the Lord your God. I hate rich people no matter what. No matter how they have earned their wealth – I hate them! I don’t care if they made their money as a professional hitman for Pat Robertson himself – I hate them! They have forgotten Me; they give all the glory of their success to themselves – I hate them! They will burn in hell. I am the Lord your God.

And if a man becomes rich without My help, then he is guilty of using evil means to gain his fortune and I hate him. This is obvious. It goes without saying that a rich, evil bastard such as Kevin James will burn in hell for all eternity when he dies.

But I hear you think; what about all the great leaders from the Bible I blessed with wealth? Is there not a single rich person I love? NO!

King David? Abraham? Job? I used each one of those rich bastards to My advantage; nothing more, nothing less. And I punished each one of them with herpes and genital warts! Look it up. They all suffered mightily by My Hand.

The rich covet gold above all else, but they will get what they deserve. Be it a sudden gang raping by a roving pack of wild dogs, or a punch in the genitals, or just simple bankruptcy and public humiliation; fear not, for I promise you they shall get what they deserve.

If you are reading this and you are a rich person, you must give all your money to Me and cast yourself down into the dregs of the middle class.

I repeat: I command all you rich assholes out there to give Me all your wealth and worldly possessions or else I shall be forced to reach down into your stomach and rip out your intestines through your throat. Well, perhaps not literally – perhaps I will just have you lose your cushy Wall Street job and transform you into some lame Honda salesman in Lodi, NJ – but at any rate this is what your punishment will feel like to you when it comes.

I am the Lord your God. I tell you there is not a single rich human* on the planet that I do not detest. They are all total a-holes. I am the Lord your God.

* I hate rich humans, but have no problem with rich animals (such as ducks). However, cats filthy rich from crazy-cat-lady inheritance money must be shot on sight. I am the Lord your God.