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Pope Vows To Get Church Pedophilia Down To Acceptable Levels

Posted in Fun, Humorous by Skepdude on April 5, 2010


VATICAN CITY—Calling the behavior shameful, sinful, and much more frequent than the Vatican was comfortable with, Pope Benedict XVI vowed this week to bring the widespread pedophilia within the Roman Catholic Church down to a more manageable level.

Addressing thousands gathered at St. Peter’s Square on Easter Sunday, the pontiff offered his “most humble apologies” to abuse victims, and pledged to reduce the total number of molestations by 60 percent over the next five years.

“This is absolutely unacceptable,” Pope Benedict said. “It seems a weakening of faith in God has prevented our priests from exercising moderation when sexually abusing helpless minors.”

“And let me remind our clergy of the holy vows they all took when they entered the priesthood,” he continued. “They should know that they’re only allowed one small child every other month.”

The pope said he was deeply disappointed to learn that the number of children sexually abused by priests was almost 10 times beyond the allowable limit clearly outlined in church doctrine. Admitting for the first time in public that the overindulgent touching of “tender, tender young flesh” had become a full-blown crisis, the Holy Father vowed to implement new reforms to bring the pedophilia rate back down to five children per 1,000 clergy.


5 Responses

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  1. rabbit said, on April 7, 2010 at 10:08 AM

    As awful as this piece is, it’s better than what the Vatican actually *did* say.

    Ugh, ugh, ugh.

    I’m getting nauseated every time I see another of these stories. My childhood parish priest was recently implicated in all this, and talking to my mother, I discovered that he actually approached her about *me*.

    I’m a little freaked out, actually.

    • Skepdude said, on April 7, 2010 at 11:27 AM

      As long as you don’t go to one of those “repressed memory” tricksters and start immagining stuff that did not happen, you’ll be fine. Have you given up religion or do you still have faith?

      • rabbit said, on April 7, 2010 at 3:25 PM

        No, atheist as the day I was born! I was extremely sincere in my belief and reasoned my way out of it as a small child: to wit- I love my grandmother very much. My mother says she is a crazy bitch. Either my mother is lying or my grandmother is actually a crazy bitch. Either way, someone’s going to hell. If I was really really good, and I could go to heaven, could I have eternal bliss knowing my belived grandmother or my mother were in hell? Of course not! Therefore, as everyone has someone who loves them, nobody could be in hell. Therefore, hell is not real, so how can heaven be real?

        I was an odd six-year old. Things sort of went from there, and I didn’t give up Catholicism until my early teens.

        I’m missing over a year of time from back then, which I attribute to other things (death of a parent- I don’t remember the funeral or the move to a new city, the starting a new school, any of it), but it never occurred to me to worry about it in terms of the priest thing, or any other experiences.

        Certainly, I wouldn’t go accusing anyone of anything. Honestly, I really truly doubt it to be the case. I don’t think I could ever be made to be certain about anything that happened in that time frame, and nobody has suggested that anything ever did happen, only that the priest who was recently found to have abused a number of children in that time spoke to my mother about me. I’m just a bit creeped out. Which I think is fair. I think the whole community is a bit creeped out at this point.

        • Skepdude said, on April 7, 2010 at 3:33 PM

          Good to hear; I just wanted to make sure I didn’t alienate my #1 fan (hahaha) with my atheist ramblings!

  2. red rabbit said, on April 7, 2010 at 9:01 PM

    Meh, sorry about the overshare. And yeah, happy rationalist skeptic, which is what I’m doing here in the first place.

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