VATICAN CITY—Calling the behavior shameful, sinful, and much more frequent than the Vatican was comfortable with, Pope Benedict XVI vowed this week to bring the widespread pedophilia within the Roman Catholic Church down to a more manageable level.
Addressing thousands gathered at St. Peter’s Square on Easter Sunday, the pontiff offered his “most humble apologies” to abuse victims, and pledged to reduce the total number of molestations by 60 percent over the next five years.
“This is absolutely unacceptable,” Pope Benedict said. “It seems a weakening of faith in God has prevented our priests from exercising moderation when sexually abusing helpless minors.”
“And let me remind our clergy of the holy vows they all took when they entered the priesthood,” he continued. “They should know that they’re only allowed one small child every other month.”
The pope said he was deeply disappointed to learn that the number of children sexually abused by priests was almost 10 times beyond the allowable limit clearly outlined in church doctrine. Admitting for the first time in public that the overindulgent touching of “tender, tender young flesh” had become a full-blown crisis, the Holy Father vowed to implement new reforms to bring the pedophilia rate back down to five children per 1,000 clergy.
In a new and unexpected development, the tree lobsters have proved, unequivocally, the connection between Newton and Hitler. The Intelligent Pull proponents have renewed their efforts to have IP taught alongside Newtonian Physics in introductory physics courses. New legislation will require stickers to be placed inside physics books stating that gravity is “just a theory” and that pigs could actually fly, if only Intelligent Pull wasn’t squashed so mercilessly by the mainstream, elite, evil Academia. Said one IP proponents:
These latest developments feel like a breath of fresh air. We’ve been saying all along that gravity is not supported by the evidence, which best supports the Intelligent Pull theory. Furthermore, the Newtonianists have not addressed the glaring holes in their theory. Why would mass attract mass? Are we to believe that randomly, and by chance, bodies happen to be attracted to other bodies?
At least Evolution, has Mutation and Natural Selection, which kinda make sense, but inorganic things don’t mutate. Stars and planets are not engaged in a battle of the survival of the fittest. They just are. They say the attraction is the inverse of the square of the distance but that doesn’t prove gravity. That proves that The Intelligent Puller that set things in motion decided it will be so when he first created the universe, 10,000 years ago. I am happy that the tree lobsters have finally seen the light and have come over to our side. They are a powerful ally in the fight for truth and academic freedom.
A top scientist at a real university has done some really clever research, with numbers and everything, that totally proves homeopathy works and is not in fact a made up load of pseudo-scientific mumbo-jumbo.
A spokesman from the Society of Homeopaths said “This scientist is really clever and an expert in his field, despite nobody else having ever heard of him. His research, which most definitely wasn’t funded by the Society of Homeopaths, totally proves everything we’ve ever said. It was money well spent.”
I…I think it’s finally over. Our reactionary emotional response seems to have stopped it dead in its tracks. If I’m right, all we have to do now is smugly reiterate our half-formed thesis and—oh, no! For the love of God, no! It’s thoughtfully mulling things over!
Run! Run! It’s making reasonable, fact-based arguments!
Quickly! Hide behind self-righteousness! The ad hominem rejoinders—ready the ad hominem rejoinders! Watch out! Dodge the issue at hand! Question its character and keep moving haphazardly from one flawed point to the next!
All together now! Put every bit of secondhand conjecture into it you’ve got!
Goddamn it, nothing’s working! It’s trapped us in our own unsubstantiated claims! We need to switch fundamentally unsound tactics. Hurry, throw up the straw man! Look, I think it’s going for it. C’mon…c’mon…yes, it’s going for it! Now hit it with the thing that one guy told us once while it’s distracted by our ludicrous rationalizations!
Gah! It’s calmly and evenhandedly deflecting everything we’re throwing at it. Our deductive fallacies are only making it stronger! Wait…what on earth is it doing now? Oh, no, it has sources! My God, it’s defending itself with ironclad sources! Someone stop the citing! Please, please stop the citing!
The language is impenetrable! For all that is good and holy, backpedal with all your might!
Where are the children? Someone overprotect the children! They cannot be exposed to this kind of illuminative reasoning. Their young, open minds are much too vulnerable to independent thought. We have to shield them behind our unshakeable intolerance for critical thinking.
What?!? Noooooooooo! Richard! For the love of God, it’s convinced Richard!
No time for tears now. Richard’s mind has been changed forever. But we mustn’t let it weaken our resolve. Mark my words, our ignorance will hold, no matter the cost. Now, more than ever, we have to keep floundering ahead with blind faith in our increasingly fallacious worldview.
For Richard’s sake.
What’s that? Now it’s making an appeal to reason? Never! Do you hear me, you eloquent, well-read behemoth? Never! We’ll die before we recognize what we secretly know to be true! The cognitive dissonance only makes our denial stronger!
Those filthy little transvestites, seahorses, are at it again, spreading their seahorse propaganda by disguising it as an appeal to “family values.”
They would have you believe that this is the typical seahorse family:
It is the perfect picture of parental responsibility, the loving father doting over the fruit of his man-womb, so they say, but they are bringing these sea-foals into the world specifically to indoctrinate them into the aberrant seahorse lifestyle!
Why does nobody think of the children when they decide that these transgendered deviants should be allowed equal protection under the law? How should fish parents respond to their fish children when they come home from schools and say, “Timmy has a daddy for a mommy!”?
The government has been taken over by those who are sympathetic to the seahorse agenda, and would turn Biblical, bible-believing Christians into hate crimers. The public schools openly teach about seahorse reproduction, indoctrinating our children into becoming seahorses. How many times has a parent come home to find their only pride and joy, their Christian male child, paddling around the swimming pool in a saddle and doing it for carrots because of what they have learned in school? This is why I home school my fish.
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I love me some good satire!