Skepfeeds-The Best Skeptical blogs of the day

God on The Bible – Deuteronomy 23:1

Posted in Sins, Stuff God Hates, The Bible by Skepdude on August 25, 2008

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES”

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Witness now the glorious truth of MY DIVINE WORD:

“A man whose testicles have been crushed, or whose penis has been cut off, must not be admitted to the congregation of Yahweh.”

In this passage of My Good Book, which just so happens to be the best-selling and most-read book of all time, I elucidate on the necessity of excommunicating any male who has lost any part of his genitals.

The reason for this is simple. If I hate a man enough to smite him so hard that he loses either his frank or his beans, then you had better believe I hate him and do not want him for My flock. No matter the seemingly random cause of your castration, I assure you it is a sign of My Profound Hatred for thee.

So if your testicles have been trampled by a horse, or shattered from the kick of an angry woman, or in any way otherwise destroyed; take heed – for you are no longer welcome in My Temple.

You are also not welcome in the House of the LORD if you have no penis. Forsooth, whether your penis was cut off by an angry woman or by a clumsy mohel, you are also not welcome in My Temple, for yea, thou art a cockless freak that disgusteth Me.

And do not think that you can use modern science to get around your eternal banishment. So if your wife cuts off your penis while you are sleeping, and then you find it in a field and have a bunch of faggoty scientists reattach it for you – this does not count. You are still not welcome in My Temple. As far as I am concerned, you and your ghastly new Frankenpenis can just keep away from Me and My People.

And lastly, if you are one of those human males foolish enough to get a vasectomy, then you have shunned the genitals I gave you and you are also no longer welcome in My congregation.

I, The Almighty LORD, have spoken.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES”

Advertisements

God on The Bible – Genesis 38:6-10

Posted in Sins, Stuff God Hates, The Bible by Skepdude on August 15, 2008

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES”

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Witness now the glorious truth of MY DIVINE WORD:

6 For his first son Er, Judah got a wife whose name was Tamar.

7 Er’s conduct was evil, and it displeased the LORD, so the LORD killed him.

8 Then Judah said to Er’s brother Onan, “Go and sleep with your brother’s widow. Fulfill your obligation to her as her husband’s brother, so that your brother may have descendants.”

9 But Onan knew that the children would not belong to him, so when he had intercourse with his brother’s widow, he let the semen spill on the ground, so that there would be no children for his brother.

10 What he did displeased the LORD, and the LORD killed him also.*

This passage makes very clear My passionate feelings on the subject of spilling sperm. I’ve said it many times before, and I’ll say it again; EVERY SPERM IS SACRED! If a man wastes his precious semen by spilling it just anywhere, I will certainly punish him.

Now there are varying degrees of punishment for this sin. For example, as this verse demonstrates, if you disgrace your dead brother by refusing to ejaculate inside his recently widowed wife, and you instead selfishly spill your seed on the ground, I will be very angry and smite you with a painful death.

Or let’s say you do something truly satanic and spill your seed into a disgusting, dirty public toilet, I will be furious and smite you with a slow and extremely painful death.

But the punishment is not always this severe. If, on the other hand, you just spill your seed into a bunch of wadded up tissues because you were bored, then the punishment is only a swift and mildly painful death. Like a sudden heart attack while you’re jerking it. –>

However, it is acceptable to pull out at the last second and spill your seed onto a woman, as long as you make sure to do it on her chest or face in a way that totally degrades her.

I WARN YOU MORTALS! OBEY MY SEMEN LAWS OR I WILL KILL YOU!

* Interesting followup to that story…after I killed Onan, his father Judah later accidentally slept with Er’s widow Tamar. But this was okay because he thought she was a prostitute and also came inside her.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES”

Tagged with: , ,

God on The Bible – Malachi 3:8-10

Posted in Religion, Sins, Stuff God Hates by Skepdude on July 25, 2008

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES”

Today’s Blessed Bible Verse is from the book of Malachi, chapter 3, verses 8 through 10:

8 Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, `How are we robbing thee?’ In your tithes and offerings.
9 You are cursed with a curse, for you are robbing me; the whole nation of you.
10 Bring the full tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house; and thereby put me to the test, says the LORD of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you an overflowing blessing.

You know, foolish and utterly depraved humans always ask Me how I could let the world be so full of pain and misery. And before I smite them, I always tell them to go read the book of Malachi.

In this Divine Passage I believe I made My Feelings very clear. You are all fucked because you’re not paying Me nearly enough to keep things running smoothly.

You sinful people just can’t help from stealing MY CUT of the wealth I gave you. And so your nations are cursed by pestilence, war and politicians.

Do not act surprised. How can you greedy bastards expect Me to keep giving you My Protection if you can’t even provide Me with a measly ten percent of all your yearly earnings?!

You selfish puke-bags would be nothing without Me! You should be giving Me ALL your worldly possessions.

But what do you do instead? After I’ve given you everything you have, you go to church and put a whole five dollars in the collection plate and then act as if you’ve put in a lot. YOU FUCKING CHEAPSKATES ARE LUCKY I DON’T DISENTEGRATE YOU ON THE SPOT!

I swear, you people are such damn stingers these days that even with a packed Church of 400 people, I’m lucky if the day’s take exceeds a thousand stupid bucks.

And so I, The Almighty LORD, repeat: This world is cursed forever until you all start paying Me what I deserve.

However faithful reader, should you personally decide to meet My Tithing demands, I shall bless you with a beautiful room in My Heavenly Compound and many loving puppies to play with. Doesn’t that sound nice?

Go ahead, I dare you to put My Offer to the test. All you have to do is give all your money to the Church and then die and see what happens.

UPDATE: I now accept credit cards, debit cards and traveler’s checks.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES”

Tagged with: , ,

#33 Atheists

Posted in People, Sins, Stuff God Hates by Skepdude on July 18, 2008

CLICK HERE TO GO TO ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES”

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Your Super-Handsome, Mega-Wonderful Creator

I am the Lord Almighty; I am the Light of the World and The Ultimate Goodness; more Perfect than your feeble human brain could ever conceive; I made the world and all the creatures in it; I have watched over, loved and protected you all of your life.

Yet despite all that I have done for each and every one of you, there are still some humans who have the effrontery to not even believe in Me! In the parlance of modern times, these ‘people’ are called atheists, but to me they are just demonic zombie heathen scum that are best dispatched with a shotgun round to the head.

Satanic atheist creatures of the night have no morals and cannot be trusted. They break into Christian homes at night. They perform abortions on unwilling pregnant mothers and then eat the aborted babies.

Because they do not believeth in Me or My 10 Commandments, by default, they embrace evil. These atheist cannibal monsters believe that if you can get away with it, it must be ok. They regularly burn down churches, rape the retarded, rob the elderly, murder the suicidal, torture the crippled, kidnap the poor, lie, cheat and do drugs. And when they run out of dead babies to eat, they turn on each other for sustenance.

Without My Ultimate and Perfect Moral Authority governing their minds, these former humans commit all manner of atrocity. Some of the most evil people in the history of the world were devout atheists: Adolph Hitler, Joey Stalin, Napoleon Bonaparte, Charles Darwin, Benjamin Franklin, Helen Keller, Ghandi, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, John Lennon – need I go on? Take a good, long look at that list. Easily some of the most despicable wretches to ever walk the face of My green earth.

This barely needs pointing out, but no one who ever believethed in Me and had morals ever committed evil of any kind. Go ahead and investigate yourself. Search the internet. Ask a friend. Open up the encyclopedia if you have to. There has never once been one recorded instance in the history of humanity of a devout Christian, Jew or Muslim committing an evil deed. Not once!

Also, unlike My Followers (who are decent people who fear Me and just try to raise their families and live a good life), drug-addled atheist savages are universally arrogant pricks who force their idiotic non-beliefs down other people’s throats without provocation. Alas, if only My People were as self-righteous and condescending as atheists are, there would be no atheist serpents left.

These atheist fiends are merely servants of the dark one, Satanus*. As he instructs them to do, they commit the most evil act of all by continually pestering My Followers with logic-based questions. Why must they do this?!

Do they not see the proof of My Existence all around them? In the beautiful sky and land? In the birds that flutter in the summer air? Or in the perfect breasts of a maiden fair? As any fool knows, something cannot come from nothing. Just as a house is made by a carpenter, I made the world. To this the atheist says; “then who made you God?” To which I reply, “MY PARENTS, DINGUS!”

The atheist cretin tries to pin all the evil in the world wrought by Satanus on Me. The dark lord has mighty powers too, powers that I struggle everyday to contend with. Just recently Satanus made a plane crash into a field, killing 143 passengers and crew. I managed to save one child with only third-degree burns and a couple of lost limbs. But do I get any credit for My Heroics? No! Of course not. I just get blamed for the crash.

I tell you, those baby-raping atheist vampires direct their hatred toward Me nonstop. More than anything, this greatly saddens Me. How could you heathen scum do this to Me? I am The Almighty God and I LOVE YOU! I love and care for you so much it makes My Heart ache sometimes. I even gave up My Only Son, and let him die horribly, all to save your wicked soul from Satanus. And this is how you repay Me?! By saying I don’t even exist?! How could you be so cruel?!

Well, I just hope all you atheists out there change your mind. If you do, I can promise you an eternity spent in Heaven with Me, eating all the most delicious foods and yum-yum ice-creams you’ve ever wanted and meeting all the coolest people who ever existed, as well as anything else your little heart desires.

Because you know, even if you atheists were right, which you most certainly are not, what would you gain from not believingeth in Me? A whole lot of nothing, that’s what. A lifetime spent in cynicism and a sad, devoted worship of nerds who wear lab coats for a living. Oh, and did I mention an eternity burning in the lake of fire whilst getting raped by burly demons? That’s what awaits. I assure you, every atheist bitterly regrets their mistake as soon as they die.

But anyway, all this arguing tires Me out.

I am the Lord Almighty, and I exist. That is all you need know.

*I prefer the Latin word ‘Satanus’ because it keeps anus in his name.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES”

Tagged with: , , ,