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That’s what I’ve been saying all along!

Posted in Skepdude by Skepdude on March 11, 2010

The Vatican’s chief exorcist has said the devil resides in the Vatican, which is what people like me have been saying for a while. He also claims to have done 70,000 exorcisms. There’s a bit of a problem with the math there as Evan of the SGU Rogues points out. My only comment is this: if after 70,000 exorcisms the devil is residing in Vatican City, wouldn’t that make them 70,000 failed attempts at exorcism?

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Ghost hunting can be a real pain in the ass…

Posted in Skepbitch by Skepdude on July 3, 2009

READ THE FULL ENTRY AT SKEPBITCH

Have you ever wondered when you should resume sex safely after ghost hunting? How can you exorcise a ghost that has possessed your womb? Or how can you remove a ghost from your rectum? (After you’ve finished with it, presumably.)

Look no further! Maryanna Chatelaine Moresby has treated these common problems in her article Sex after ghost hunting – exorcisms of a womb or anal ghosts: And when is the right time to have sex afterwards?

For today, let’s focus on “Anomalous Anal Ghost Phenomena”.

According to Moresby, when a person dies, their physical body ceases to exist, although a “ghost body” remains, consisting of the “mind, intellect, ego and soul”. Sometimes, these ghost bodies seek refuge in a human host, entering via a vulnerable cavity. Generally, they prefer to enter through the woman’s, um, birth canal, or the man’s rectum. Moresby says that the ass is an “open portal” for spirits. Why enter through a boring old ear or a mouth when you can invade a genital orifice?

Ghost hunting is to blame for this anal affliction:

My husband was plagued with anal ghost 4 times since he started Ghost Hunting. We went to many doctors to find out what his problem was until a psychic from Japan told him what was going on.

Your uninvited tenant may be the ghost of a loved one, an intimate stranger, or a dirty demon.  But how do you know if your buttocks are haunted? Rectal ghost symptoms include severe constipation, diarrhea and flatulence. Moresby claims:

I can certainly attest to this as it has happened to my husband on more then one occasion. And Felching out ghosts is usually a bigger fear and reality then one might think.

Next time you suffer from these demonic digestive system symptoms, you might want to reach for your Priest, rather than your Pepto-Bismol.

Colon Cleanse Products wull not help you if you have an anal or colon ghost!

Laxatives won’t work either. The most effective method for removing a troublesome rectal ghost is to perform a magical enema.

In some cultures spicy hot Enemas are said to chase a ghosts from a persons bowels in many cultures wine or beer enemas are used to get the ghost drunk so he will just fall out of the person and it then can be captured and put into a bottle or container for safe keeping. My husband keeps his in a pickle jar in the garage and has gotten several intriguing EVP’s from it.

This is one tale that TAPS won’t touch. For more challenging guests, try a “blessed lubricant”.

A quicker form of the dry enema ghost removal utilizes the injection of a small amount of water-based lubricant such as K-Y that is blessed and administered directly into the rectum via a non-hypodermic syringe, such as an oral syringe, or from some other source. My husband usually does this for 5 days after any ghost encounter he has as a precaution. The usual amount of blessed lubricant applied is about 2 tsp (10 cc), which will produce a movement in 30 minutes or less. The movement will be produced in a compact body, rather than in the more copious liquid form produced by a wet enema; and since no water is used, none will be retained higher up in the colon, to be expelled at a later, and possibly inconvenient, time.

Is it just me, or is this one kinky couple?

Moresby shares with us the touching story of her husband Riley’s rectal misadventures:

READ THE FULL ENTRY AT SKEPBITCH

Couple Bit Child More Than 20 Times in Fatal Exorcism

Posted in News by Skepdude on December 6, 2008

HENDERSON — They claim they were trying to drive the demons out of the 13-month-old, but law enforcement officers say the bottom line is a Rusk County couple bludgeoned the little girl to death with a hammer and other objects and bit her more than 20 times in the most grotesque murder the seasoned officers can remember.

Blaine Keith Milam, 19 and Jesseca Bain Carson, 18, both of Henderson, remain jailed on $2 million bonds each. They are charged with capital murder for the Tuesday morning death of Carson’s daughter Amora Bain Carson.

When the detectives entered the residence they found Amora on the floor in a bedroom and they immediately knew they had a homicide.

READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE AT “TYLER PAPER”

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‘Child-witches’ of Nigeria seek refuge

Posted in News by Skepdude on November 10, 2008

Mary is a pretty five-year-old girl with big brown eyes and a father who kicked her out onto the streets in one of the most dangerous parts of the world. Her crime: the local priest had denounced her as a witch and blamed her “evil powers” for causing her mother’s death.

Ostracised, vulnerable and frightened, she wandered the streets in south-eastern Nigeria, sleeping rough, struggling to stay alive.

Mary was found by a British charity worker and today lives at a refuge in Akwa Ibom province with 150 other children who have been branded witches, blamed for all their family’s woes, and abandoned. Before being pushed out of their homes many were beaten or slashed with knives, thrown onto fires, or had acid poured over them as a punishment or in an attempt to make them “confess” to being possessed. In one horrific case, a young girl called Uma had a three-inch nail driven into her skull.

Yet Mary and the others at the shelter are the lucky ones for they, at least, are alive. Many of those branded “child-witches” are murdered – hacked to death with machetes, poisoned, drowned, or buried alive in an attempt to drive Satan out of their soul.

READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE AT THE TELEGRAPH.

What’s the harm-Christianity

Posted in Skepdude by Skepdude on October 15, 2008

ORIGINAL ENTRY

Many times we face the “what’s the harm” defense from believers in all kinds of woo, including religion…including Christianity. What possibly can belief in a supernatural god do to harm people? Let them have their innocent beliefs, respect them and don’t criticize them.

Well, hold your horses, I say.  Religions teach people not only to believe and not question their god, but also god’s representatives on earth, the churches and their clergy. And here is where a big problem comes in, as reported by MSNBC.com

In a study of Christian church members who approached their church for help with a personal or family member’s diagnosed mental illness, researchers found that more than 32 percent were told by their pastor that they or their loved one did not really have a mental illness.

These are diagnosed mental illnesses we’re talking about here. Actual, real illnesses that are being waved away by pastors. Well, if not mental illness what are these people suffering from, you may ask? The good pastor has an answer for that too.

The problem was solely spiritual in nature, they were told.

And who can help you with spiritual problems? Well the clergy of course and not those elitist, science learning, educated doctors. Can you say exorcism?

Hold on a minute, you may say. Come on, how many people are going to go to their pastor with this sort of problem? People surely know to go to their doctors with this sort of issues. Do they?

Other studies have found that clergy, and not psychologists or other mental health experts, are the most common source of help sought in times of psychological distress.

Oops!

“Those whose mental illness is dismissed by clergy are not only being told they don’t have a mental illness, they are also being told they need to stop taking their medication. That can be a very dangerous thing.”

No shit! So let me get it straight, most religios people go to their pastors, not their doctors, when they have mental illnesses. The pastors dismiss a priori all diagnosed mental illnesses, even encouraging mentally ill people to stop taking their medications. And people have the balls to say what’s the harm? Wow.

Oh, and here’s a parting gift:

Baylor researchers also found that women were more likely than men to have their mental disorders dismissed by the church.

In a subsequent survey, Baylor researchers found the dismissal or denial of the existence of mental illness happened more in conservative churches, rather than more liberal ones.

Come on, don’t be surprised!

Jesus Took My Stuff

Posted in Skepchick by Skepdude on August 29, 2008

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “SKEPCHICK”

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When I was nine years old, my mother became a born-again Christian. This was a pretty common occurrence in the area in which I grew up, as most mothers didn’t work, and truthfully, boredom and depression would kick in. She met a member of a church whilst waiting for me at the school gates, got chatting, and was offered the secret to eternal happiness and fulfilment: Jesus.

The organisation turned out to be one of those Pentecostal happy clappy Church of Christ jobbies, an import from the USA and quite unlike the stiff upper lip Church of England services one usually had to endure at weddings and funerals. The minister and his wife were young, attractive and American, which to my young mind was the height of exotic. We were very poor, but the weekly tithe seemed a small price to pay for the revelation that Jesus loved us and would supply everything we need if we asked hard enough. Or, would move in mysterious ways, and that was also OK, cause who needed a new bike when you had eternal life?

I went to a couple of services and social events with my mom, found it fun and full of promise and soon made the very adult decision to also become a Christian. My sister and father followed suit, and we were all baptised in a heated swimming pool followed by a finger buffet and a round of ‘You Can’t Get To Heaven On Rollerskates’ accompanied by me on tambourine.

Fast-forward a year, and the gloss started to wear off as Jesus made his first claim on my possessions. I wasn’t materialistic, I was merely a kid, and I liked my stuff. As I mentioned, we were poor, so stuff was hard to come by and birthdays and Christmas were pretty much the only opportunities I had to add to my bounty of treasures. But, I did own the entire collection of

Jackson and Livingstone Fighting Fantasy Gamebooks

If you haven’t played these, starting with the masterpiece Warlock of Firetop Mountain, stop reading this and go and grab a copy from eBay. You must at least be familiar with the concept: a book in which you choose your own adventure. “You turn a corner and an Orc is standing in front of you! To hit him with your fist, turn to page eight. To throw a turd at him, turn to page 43″. Etc. Conceptually genius, and I had ‘em all. I even had the spinoff board game which cost me my entire birthday money. But, my mom started to express concerns that the books were ‘satanic’ in nature (well they did have demons and magic in them) and suggested that Jesus would not approve. After a sleepless night of asking Jesus (and some secret masturbation for which I prayed for forgiveness), I concurred, and the next day we built a bonfire and burned the whole lot, board game and all. I remember thinking that I was destroying something inherently evil. Then again, I was a small girl and not really in a position to tell evil from madness.

The second thing that Jesus took was

My great-grandmother’s mirror

Mirrors, as you know, are easily possessed by demons. At least, that was what we were told when I was 12 years old and my mirror, a bequest from my late great-grandmother, threw itself across the bedroom. Or rather, it fell off the wall. But our particular brand of Jesus-lovin’ was the hysterical paranoid sort and the mirror was deemed possessed and responsible for my recent spate of behavioural issues (nothing to do with being 12 years old and having just lost a parent, you understand. Demons did it). So, they exorcised the mirror, and yes, they exorcised me. I am sort of strangely proud of having been exorcised, as it was every bit as dramatic as you’re imagining. Unfortunately, even though it was then declared demon-free, the mirror was a source of fear for me and I threw it out immediately. Jesus claims another bit of my stuff.

The final thing that Jesus took was my copy of

The Demon Headmaster by Gillian Cross

This is a brilliant kid’s book, about a headmaster who uses his evil eyes to hypnotise an entire school into behaving well. I loved it, but once religion entered our household, my mom became very uncomfortable with the title and the subject matter. One day, I got home and the book was gone. My mom pleaded ignorance, citing a miracle. Jesus took it. I asked Jesus, via the power of prayer, and he told me that my mom probably threw it out. I still don’t know who to believe, frankly. The son of god, or the mother of me? One of them is a lying bastage. Either way, where’s my freaking book?

There were probably more things, but those are the three which have stuck in my mind, and which, as a rabid atheist, I resent more than 20 years later. Of course, this whole story is a fable about letting irrational beliefs and paranoia affect your judgement, but it’s also about how I have a score to settle with Jesus. He doesn’t know that the brownies I sent him are past their use-by-date…and that time I prayed for forgiveness for masturbating? HA! I DIDN’T MEAN IT!

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “SKEPCHICK”

What year is it, anyway?

Posted in Pharyngula by Skepdude on August 20, 2008

In the reality based community, when you’ve got a problem, you call an expert with some skills and training to deal with it. In the rest of the world, you call a priest to blame evil spirits and do nothing for a small pile of money. How else to explain asking a wizened old Catholic priest to explain ‘perversions’ and STDs?

Promiscuity, as well as homosexuality and pornography, says 73 year-old Fr. Jeremy        Davies, is a form of sexual perversion and can lead to demonic possession. Offering what may be an explanation for the explosion of homosexuality in recent years, Fr. Davies said, “Among the causes of homosexuality is a contagious demonic factor.”

READ THE REST OF THIS ENTRY AT “PHARYNGULA”

Skepnews – 7/22/08

Posted in Skepnews by Skepdude on July 22, 2008

  • The exorcism of Amutha Valli Krishnan – A PSYCHIATRIST on Monday portrayed the woman in the centre of the Novena Church ‘exorcism’ case as being capable of ‘overt deception’ to perpetuate her ‘symptoms’ for financial gain – Hmmm, does this not sound like a typical case of “blame the victim” game? Now, I don’t know if she is in fact making it up or not but how is a psychiatrist qualified to infer that something is being perpetuated “for financial gain”? Also, he was smart enough to qualify his statement by saying that she was “capable” of deception. Do we really need a psychiatrist to state the obvious? Aren’t all humans “capable of overt deception”?
  • With God’s blessing turn $1,000 into billions God’s blessing would last only two minutes and it would create 500 churchgoing millionaires or even billionaires – all they had to do was use their credit cards to pay $1 000 in offerings to televangelist Benny Hinn. He said one of Hinn’s American guest speakers, Pastor Todd Koontz, spoke about financial burdens and said 500 audience members would receive “an exceptional blessing”. “He said the service would yield millionaires and billionaires within 24 hours. “Everyone had to donate $1 000 because an exceptional blessing rested on $1 000.” Koontz apparently really had the congregation scrambling when he said, “This blessing will be poured out for only two minutes.” Ferreira said: “People stormed to the front – poor people, rich people, people from all sections of our society.”- It takes a special kind of specially brainwashed religious zealot to fall for such BS, and apparently there is no shortage since about 1,000 people forked over cash. At least one person became a millionaire that day, and he didn’t have to pay a dime himself!
  • Allah name shows up in pieces of meatWhat looks like the Arabic word for God and the name of the prophet Muhammad were discovered in pieces of beef by a diner in Birnin Kebbi (Nigeria). “When the writings were discovered there were some Islamic scholars who come and eat here and they all commented that it was a sign to show that Islam is the only true religion for mankind,” he said. – Hey I thought the potato chip Jesus already settled the “only true religion” issue! I guess this one showed up on multiple pieces of meat, so it must carry more weight. Can you say fraud? No, how about pareidolia?
  • Obama and McCain to appear at Megachurch ForumThe Rev. Rick Warren has persuaded the candidates to attend a forum at his Saddleback Church, in Lake Forest, Calif., on Aug. 16. Mr. Warren, the author of the best-selling book “The Purpose-Driven Life,” said he had called each man personally to invite him to his event, which will focus on how they make decisions and on some of Mr. Warren’s main areas of focus, like AIDS, poverty and the environment. Mr. Warren’s event will have as a co-sponsor Faith in Public Life, the multidenominational religious group that held the Compassion Forum at Messiah College in Grantham, Pa., in April, featuring Mr. Obama and Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton in Pennsylvania during their primary fight. Mr. Warren said he would devise his questions with input from the Muslim, Jewish and Christian leaders associated with the group. – Yeah, the Science debate they run from, but they find time for yet another religious forum. There’s a reason they say politics is a whore!
  • Bible classes approved in TexasThe state’s Board of Education gave final approval to establishing Bible classes in public high schools. Mark Chancey, associate professor in religious studies at Southern Methodist University, has studied Bible classes already offered in about 25 districts. His study found most of the courses were explicitly devotional with almost exclusively Christian, usually Protestant, perspectives. It also found that most were taught by teachers who were not familiar with the issue of separation of church and state. – Ok, I wouldn’t have a problem with this as long as they also offered Quran classes, Mormon Book classes, “Put your own holy book name here” classes etc. etc. Something tells me, these classes will not present one ounce of criticism towards the Holy Debacle. Ah, Christianity the Priviledged!