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Stuff God Hates – #81 Hopes and Dreams

Posted in Stuff God Hates by Skepdude on August 3, 2009

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Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

I hate hopes and I hate dreams! They violate My Divine Plan! How dare you humans lounge around and dream of ways to thwart My Divine Plan?

If I made you a gravedigger, then stay a gravedigger and be glad I don’t have you arrested. Don’t spend your days praying of becoming a porno star.*

Many people start bugging Me with this shit from a very young age. For example, I recently had a young boy who wanted to become a pilot when he grew up. But I’d already decided to give him awful 20/60 vision. But did that stop him? No. That dumbass spent his whole life bugging Me with his prayers to become a pilot. And yet he ended up becoming a pizza delivery boy with a acute addiction to Robitussin and Jack Daniels anyway, just as I’d always intended.

All these little hopes and dreams and all the wishing and the begging is just pathetic! I don’t much appreciate that which is pathetic.

Life is not fair, ok? It’s not fair, and I never said it would be fair.

Was life ever fair in The Bible? NO! Some men are born to be slaves of other men, some women are born to be raped by their fathers, and that’s just the way it is! Some things will never change. I am what I am and it is what it is!

READ THE FULL ENTRY AT STUFF GOD HATES

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Ask God: August

Posted in Stuff God Hates by Skepdude on September 2, 2008

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES”

In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

Nun: A question for you, God… do you ever worry that some Jesus-freak is going to come after you for the blog?

Will never find Me.

Will never find Me.

GOD: No. I don’t worry about that. Unlike you human cowards, I have no fear of death. Besides, even if I was a mortal, wordpress.com offers total anonymity. I am switching to Mine Own Heavenly Server soon anyway, and the website StuffGodHates.com is registered by proxy, just to make sure none of you fanatics ever discover My Earthly mailing address. And even if one of you freaks did ever manage to ‘find’ Me I would utterly destroy you.

Nun – you are paranoid. I blame the massive amounts of My Green Leaf you smoke. I’m afraid I’m going to have to confiscate your stash till you get your head clear.

QUESTION #2:

Christian: God, why does Satan get most of the cool people?

GOD: He doesn’t, you asshole. You have absolutely no idea who I send to hell and who I let adore Me for all eternity. Only the coolest people get into Heaven. You actually think that I, the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, would surround Myself with a bunch of dorky numnut nitwits for all time?! I don’t care what you do with your time while on Earth. Just please don’t bore Me.

QUESTION #3:

IAmBetterThanYou: Dear Your Holy God: What are Your thoughts on that fraud preacher who faked having cancer just to hide his porn addiction and made a killing in the Christian Music industry, and how are You going to smite this bastard?

GOD: I’m going to give him cancer.

QUESTION #4:

Uppity Cracka: It’s weird when people’s heads get fatter exponentially faster than their bodies do. Why does this happen God? Why?

GOD: Ah yes. You are referring to My Gigantisize Smite, one of My favorite vanity-crushing smites. This is when I expand the size of a human’s body part to grotesquely large proportions. I also do the opposite, but either way this type of smite yields extremely amusing results.

Specifically in this case you are talking about what I did to Alfonso Robiero, AKA Carlton. I hate that smug prick. I’m glad to see his smite is coming along nicely. Wait another 5 years. His head will be twice as large by then.

QUESTION #5: (In reference to Deuteronomy 23:1)

Josh: What about the eunuchs that are in Your service? The ones mentioned in the Bible? Did they cut off their junk for Your honor and now You tottally screwed them? And please can I be your favorite again?

GOD: Eunuchs are the biggest chumps in the history of man. And in the history of penis, for that matter. They do not honor Me. Nowhere in My Book do I authorize what they do, in fact quite the opposite!

As to the last part of your question: No. You will never be anyone’s favorite again.

QUESTION #6: (In reference to Genesis 38:6-10)

McSchmahl: Obviously it is a sin to spill my seed on the ground. But is it okay to store my seed in a sterile jar, for future use with my (or my deceased brother’s) wife?

GOD: Excellent question; you are asking about one of the many specific sexual situations I neglected to cover in My Book. The answer is yes, it makes Me very glad to see sperm saved in sterile jars, so long as you correctly sign and date them, and only if you insert said sperm in your dead brother’s wife.

QUESTION #7:

Yo Yo Ma Ma: God; I just got back from the bathroom. I think I left an image of the Virgin Mary in the toilet. My questions: Flush, or not? Tell anyone else? And what kind of miracles can I expect from toilet water?

GOD: Yo Yo, I realize you asked this question 15 days ago, and that is why I am so pleased you have not flushed, nor let anyone else flush, the 4th office men’s bathroom stall. I especially appreciate you camping there with your laptop, faithfully awaiting My reply. I shall award you with any one of the hot girls in your office you want to have sex with, and make sure your wife never finds out or that you ever feel any guilt. The sex will be wonderful, you will have enough to get your fill, and then the girl will move three thousand miles away – never to be heard from again.

As to your question, by all means, do not flush it. Take pictures and call every news outlet in existence until they show up to cover this. I will bless your endeavor and bring people to this Holy Site. You can expect no miracles from the toilet water, I just want humans to see the Slut Mary for the colossal piece of shit she is.

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES”

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Where is the “theo” in biology textbooks?

Posted in Edger by Skepdude on August 26, 2008

Dembski is terribly wrong on so many counts that he has to be either terribly ignorant or is simply obfuscating the facts to pander to his religious base. By asking where is the “god speak” in a biology textbook, Dembski has shown us (yes, old news) that ID is all about shoving god into science and down the throats of children, destroying science education in the process. What Dembski did not realize is that there is no “god talk” nor “atheist talk” in the theory of evolution itself because  the theory does not make any claim whatsoever about the existence or non-existence of a god. God isn’t mentioned in the description of the theory of gravitation, yet we don’t see IDists demanding to know where the “theo” is in gravity. There is no mention of religion in the weather forecast either and no ID creationist so far has claimed that god should be involved in the description of weather cycles.

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