Skepfeeds-The Best Skeptical blogs of the day

#41 God

Posted in Humorous, Religion, Stuff God Hates by Skepdude on August 21, 2008

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES”

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and sob before the Wonderful Words of The Lady Madonna, as written by The Blessed Virgin Mary herself!

Shalom! Shalom everyone! It’s me, the Blessed Virgin Mary. I thought I’d take a break from appearing to you all in grilled cheese sandwiches and restaurant drains to give you my perspective on God.

Now listen up bubbalas, you would think that being nailed by the Omnipotent Jehovah would have been the thrill of my life. Well I’m here to tell you, not so much. Oye. Truth be told, the whole immaculate conception experience was terribly overrated.

God’s schmeckle must be puny because I didn’t feel a thing. There was no foreplay, no fondling of the breasts, no licking my loch, no divine sweet nothings whispered in my ear, no nothing. Just schtup, schtup, schtup and “see you ’round the stable, Mary.” Typical man.

God didn’t even have the common courtesy of telling me Himself that I was knocked up. He sent one of His angels, Gladys, to break the news. I was heartbroken.

A single mother indeed! I’ll tell you something else. Although I was quite the looker in those days (good skin, long brown hair, great tits), I was only 13. That’s right, God is a sexual predator. Imagine, He could have picked any woman in the world to carry His Son, and that schmoiger chooses a 13-year-old girl. That meshugeneh God has got some chutzpah!

Jesus was an ugly baby.

Jesus was an ugly baby.

So 8 and a half months later, there I was, full-blown and ready to plotz, when Joseph makes me schlep all the way to Bethlehem just to be counted in some fakakta census. What, they couldn’t make an exception for one pregnant girl? Oye! That Joseph, what a schmendrick he was!

So when we get there, do you think God had any of his angels call ahead to reserve us a room? Oh no, that shmageggi let me give birth to His faygala Son in some schlocky barn full of donkey dreck. Feh!

And who does he send to meet us there? These three fershtinkiners bearing worthless gifts of frankincense, myrrh, and more myrrh. Oye gevalt. And don’t believe that dreck that one of the kings brought us gelt either. Those greedy goys didn’t even bring me any water or at least something to nosh. Now that I could’ve used!

So what was supposed to be a mitzvah ended up getting all fakakta, and all because God is such a cheap schvantz-sucker. Oye gevalt! I hate that schmuck. If it’s not too much trouble, I suggest you all stop praying to him and pray to me instead. I’m a good Jewish mother, and a much better parent than God. You want some matza-ball soup? Eat! Eat! You’re skin and bones!

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES”

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Skepnews – 7/30/08

Posted in Skepnews by Skepdude on July 30, 2008

  • 64 year old Sauidy man to wait 5 years before he rapes little girl – According to local newspapers yesterday, the man — who has already paid a SR100,000 dowry to the father of the girl and signed the marriage contract — now says he would wait until the girl is 15 to complete the marriage. Explaining the circumstances that led to the marriage, the man’s son said his father never had a second wife. He said the girl’s father taunted his father saying he was willing to marry his daughter to him if he paid SR100,000 in dowry. “My father accepted the challenge, paid the money and became the husband of the young woman,” the son was quoted as saying. – Oh, well he was dared! What did you expect him to do ignore it? I also think that the local police should wait 4 years 364 days before they throw his ass in jail for the rest of his miserable life!
  • More Saudi nonsense women not allowed to driveA young Saudi girl drove her brother’s car and was caught in the act. Notice, I have not made any reference to a “crime.” Necessary action was taken against her. What was the necessary action in this case? This involved interrogating the “wrongdoer.” Notice again I have not made any reference to a “criminal.” Her guardian was summoned and was made to pledge that she would not repeat this “act.” She was set free and went home. – You may think that the article’s writer may be calling for such stupidity to be abolished right away. Not a chance in muslim hell! He want’s the police to do this: “It would be appreciated if a traffic police spokesman would take the initiative to clarify such incidents instead of leaving it to newspapers to publish them with all the journalistic sensationalism and suspense. It would also be appreciated if the traffic police would follow the steps of the Interior Ministry, which issues press statements through its official spokesman on all cases and issues.” Yeah, tell him exactly how he’s supposed to discriminate women. You’re confusing the poor man!
  • Virgin Mary down the drain A plumber working on restaurant renovations in Salinas said he found the image of the Virgin Mary in a floor drain Wednesday. The building has seen several ventures come and go in the past six years since Spados closed down, and the new owner said he sees the sign
    as a blessing of hope for the new restaurant. – Why does this lady choose such weird places to appear, beats me? Grilled cheese? Watered wall? Drain? What’s next, a piece of poo? I think we should have a contest and have people send in pictures of poo that looks like some religious icon. All submittions can be sent to thoushallthink@gmail.com
  • Jesus Sucks Airplane banner – No comment needed